i hadn’t taken a bath nor washed my face nor brushed my teeth, but i went to jakarta

At six forty, I woke up and thought I’d skip the networking session in Jakarta that I’d planned to attend. But at the very last minute, I thought, "Why not?"—because I hadn’t taken a bath, hadn’t washed my face or brushed my teeth, but then I just threw on a mask; because I hadn’t done laundry either, so I only had one piece of clothing left, and it was super wrinkle, but then I wore it anyway; because I was still really sleepy, but then I figured I’d solve everything later. So, I just threw whatever I thought I’d need into my backpack and left.

At nine thirty, I arrived at the travel pool, still half-asleep. I dragged myself toward the MRT. The first thing that popped into my head was, “Let’s go to Blok M.” I could find food there, maybe buy some clothes, and most importantly: I was already a bit familiar with the area. That alone took half the burden off my shoulders. I had brunch at a small toast shop I’d been to before, then scrolled through SNS to decide where to find a new T-shirt. The wrinkles on the one I was wearing were crazy. (It was white; so yeah, even more obvious.)

After about 30 minutes, I found a cream-white T-shirt with a floral pattern that suited me way better than my other two options: a black T-shirt with a white floral pattern (I’ve been thinking about ending my “black mamba” era, so ...), and a green T-shirt with big flower prints (wait, flowers again? and besides, the size was bigger). Then—of course—I stumbled across K-pop photocards. After 10 minutes of indecision, I bought a Sungchan one 😃 I mean, come on. I should at least have one Riize photocard, right?

Somewhere along the way, I started thinking about how I used to be: brave, confident, independent, going here and there on my own. Lately, I’d been avoiding going anywhere alone. But today wasn’t that bad. I could decide when to go, where to go; it was all up to me. I didn’t have to (over)think about how my partner might feel. That freedom? Kinda nice.

I hopped on the MRT again and walked to try out a shower facility near GBK. IDR 50k, not bad at all. It was fancy. I ended up showering for 45 minutes (usually I’m done in 10). Oh, the warm water ... even four hours later, I could still feel my body relaxed.

Then I walked (again) to the tower where the networking session was held. On the way, I mentally prepped what I wanted to say—recalling my essay, my startup idea I’d been discussing with my partner; and for a second I wondered "Is this a job interview? VC pitching?" as then I told myself to relax.

And just as I’d expected (or maybe not?), the whole (first) session was in English. But I’m proud of myself. I was so active. No trembles, no fear—despite my not-so-perfect English. I smiled, nodded, engaged. And when it was time for the office tour, it switched to Indonesian, and we all laughed together.

Turns out, half of us were ITB students. Maybe that helped me feel at ease, feel like I belonged. Lately, I’ve been struggling with feeling “less than” others—I don’t have a full-time office job yet, and it’s been really messing with my mind. Sitting on the train, walking through stations, I’d think, “He’s got a good job.” “She’s on her way to the office.” “When will I get there?” “Am I even on their level?” But today—being able to talk comfortably, making new connections (maybe even friends!) made me feel like maybe we’re not all that different. We respected each other. That must mean I can still be respected, too.

I left the session feeling light. I called my mom, bought a new pair of earphones (my old ones broke yesterday), and made my way back to Bandung. My back ached a little from carrying my backpack around all day, but overall, I felt ... fulfilled. Despite spending a lot today, I still felt light (oh, only if you know how stingy I usually am with myself. People say I’m good at saving, but sometimes ... maybe it’s too much.)

I hope tomorrow will be as grateful as today. I hope July will be kind.

No—I’ll be kind. To myself. In July, in 2025, and beyond. Because, really, who do I have forever, if not me?