conflict

My psychologist told me that I have to know them more. Not myself, but them—the people around me. Because if I don't, I'll only fill the gaps with assumptions. And you know what assumptions lead to? Overthinking. It’s like trying to figure out what’s inside a locked box. If I never open it, I'm left with my own scary guesses. And most of the time, what I imagine is scarier than the truth.

I’ve heard this idea before from Hange Zoe (tmi but she's my favorite character in Attack on Titan, haha!). She once said, “The world cannot trust people whose faces they have not even seen, so let’s go and meet them. If there’s something we don’t know, we can go there to understand.” 

And the same message was carried forward by the next commander, Armin Arlert. I believe it was in his nature to talk and understand others first.

Then I thought about how much this mindset fits the research I’ve done for both my bachelor’s and master’s studies. I dived deep into an -ism that has faced heavy rejection, especially here in my country (so, I won’t write it down here, haha). But the more I understood its history and the battles it has fought, the more I could see it beyond the stereotypes, without necessarily being part of it (or am I? ;) ). Funny enough, I even found myself sharing some of their values.

Today, I explored another -ism, one that’s even more controversial. Yet, once again, I realized they are not only what the labels claim them to be. And once more, I found myself holding some of the same values, even though this time I’m certain I’m not one of them. Maybe it’s one of my strongest traits—this desire for harmony. I want things to coexist peacefully, even if I can’t deny the existence of differences. 

There was a time when I found myself tangled in a conflict, even personally attacked. That’s when something hit me: the reason I can remain friends with people who differ from me is because we still share something. Even if our beliefs or lifestyles are different, we connect over other things. But when I faced that conflict with a total stranger on social media, I couldn’t find any similarity. Of course, there must be some—everyone has something in common, even if it’s buried deep. But when it’s not visible, it’s easy to clash.

It reminds me of what my significant other once told me during one of our arguments: it’s not I vs. you, but we vs. the problem. We may have different how of tackling the issue, but our why is the same. So why not focus on what unites us instead of what divides us? Why not highlight the similarities rather than the differences—especially if those differences only lead to unnecessary conflict?

(But perhaps this approach of mine is different from some others. I remember Schwartz’s Theory of Basic Human Values, and perhaps my value is universalism. And everyone has their own value.)

((Oh, am I just trying to avoid conflict before it even starts? Like, “This is only my perspective, and it’s okay if you have yours, please don’t attack me, okkk?” Hahah!))

In the end, I think I just want to unlock as many boxes as possible. Not to prove myself right, but to understand others better. Because when I truly understand, or at least understand better, there’s less room for conflict.